Mr. X

Hai All,



My post tonight gonna be something emo. Due to some technical problem with my brain wiring, Im a bit ting tong. I need your opinion. What do you think about Mr. / Ms. X ?? What I mean is your future husband or wife.



We never know who is our wife / husband. Never know when he/she will appear. Never know how he/she will look like. Never know his/her behaviour. Never know where is he/she. But what we know is at one time, in a moment, somewhere he/she is our Mr/Ms X.

Having experienced of unworkable relationship really give a big impact on me. Its not that Im not happy now but I can't stop thinking what is going to happen if the same thing occur? You may say I had a day dream or my expectation is too high but the reason of Im having a relationship now is only aim for marriage. Perhaps its too early but I take it seriously.

I know its beyond my control. What can I say " If its stated that he is destiny to be with me, make our heart closer. If he is not, hopefully my heart can accept it calmly and peacefully. Yes, he is the person that Im looking for but Im not sure what is His Plan. Can I be with him? "

What I know, I love him. ( If you feel like vomitting, please do so. I dont care.LOL).

p/s: need to get back to my report. =D adios amigos!!

24 August 2011

Hi All

Actually I've a long list to share. Start with my internship experience, Ramadhan, family, love life, friends, life in KL and last but not least my new life here.. But I’ll choose certain things to be shared.

I love my new life style. Learn to manage the house, bills, rooms, and myself. Honestly it is a challenge to me to have everything in my head. Clean the house and room, pay the bills, cook, task at work place, logbook, internship project and etc. I would say I almost get pissed off with it. But thats how it should be. Now Im getting used to it.

I do have dream to work with my host company. Im imagining how is their manner, how they treat other, how they appreciate other, feel of togetherness and of coz feel the presence of others. Now, Im there. Being part of them is not as easy you see. Three month Ive gone through, a lot of things happened. Mostly make me feel bad. Im happy to go to work, learn something new and get myself involve with the new task. I love keep myself busy. Unfortunately, its not how I want it to be. Everyday I go to work, I just feel Ive to. If I didnt go, they will deduct my allowance. It is not something I enjoy. You know why? It is not because I hate my work, it just that I feel frustrated with the people. Of course, there are some moment I feel happy and most of time I feel unhappy. I did try my best to change. Start with the way I talk, look and work. Sadly, I just realise I make myself look stupid. Im just one isolated girl sitted at the corner surrounded by the cubical. People wont believe me if I said Im the most quite and the one who like to smile there. Thank god, I got my SV. She is the only friend Ive there. She is nice. Beside her, I didnt talk much with other. I dont know, sometime they just bluffing, teasing each other and the one that I dont really into is gossiping about others. Unfortunately, my SV going to resign effectively on 2nd of November this year. I keep thinking myself, who Im gonna talk with. Sigh.

Second, I missed my late grandfather. Normally, when Ive problem, I’ll sit beside him, tell him my problem and he will advice me. I know its sound lame to sit with your grandfather and have a chit chat but I like it. Normally I’ll listen from both, grandfather (father side) and grandmother (mother side). The difference between both are my late grandfather is cool, relax, and his words make me feel calm. Today I cry at office due to something that make me feel offended (not first time). When I came back from work, I took taxi. The driver look exactly like my late grandfather. His smell ( ciggrate made of leave) , his wrinkle hand, his face shape, and the way he talk. I feel like today, I reached the maximum level of my patient with my office mate.Suddenly, I met the taxi driver who exactly look like my late grandfather. Honestly, I feel a bit relief. Although I couldnt share with him what I feel and gone through, at least I can meet someone who look like him.

Just a litle bit sharing about my late grandfather. Normally , the last week of Ramadhan, he will call my uncle and aunt and we will breakfast together. As javanese, we have one culture where by, we will send food to our neighbour or relative at the end of Ramadhan. So, my late grandfather will call all of us to eat and cook at his house. Early in the morning, he will check his birds. He is a birds lover. I still remember, when we promised to “ balik kampung”, I can see him waiting at the stairs in front of his house. I tell you what. He can remember all of his son n daughter car registration number. The one that I wont forget until the end of my life, he will buy us Soto for supper. After tarawikh prayer, he wil buy soto and all of us will eat together. Thats why I rarely eat Soto when Im at Perak although I love it. It is because its remind me of him. He always say to me, “ accompany me”. I missed him sooo much. I dont know. Normally, when I sad, he will be with me and talk to me. Even if I didnt tell him what happened, he will give me his advice.

As a conclusion, internship not only let me stay at KL and let me manage my life myself, I also need to face the challenge. The challenge that Im scared the most. Being lonely and sickness.

p/s: Thanx to those who with me when Im in need.

Distance

Dear you,

Distance make love grow fonder. But I would say distance may make the love disappear through the thin air. Silence is better than words. But silence is killing you inside. Waiting and hoping for every moments in your life. Every text n message buzzing ur inbox will drive you crazy.

Asking what your heart wants is not a good solution. Why? Bcoz your heart is searching and wondering. Why is this, Why is that. Should be this way, Should be that way. In the end, the point is only "Attention".

If you love someone, never let them go away from you. Hold them and make them feel your present. Make them feel secure and safe. Just to let u know something, Ive lost someone in my life before. I know how it feels. Endless regret.

p/s: I rarely speak what I mean to.

Provoke

Hi All

Define give up. Let it go? hmmm what about give more? hehehe Why give up? Not give down? Give left or right? Its sound weird when I said give up means give more. But yeaaaa..I try to give up..LOL

I'm trying my best not to get pissed off by others, but it just me. I would say "whateva" but that is nt what I mean actually. I hate being provoke. Although Its for fun but if it keep happening continously, how would I feel? You are trying to be funny with other people, but do you consider other people who are related to that person? You never do.

If I didnt say anythin doesnt mean I'm ok with it. It just that, I'm trying y best not to let you messing up my life.

p/s: Avoid to get sth meaning you are trying to get it

12 May 2011

Hi all,

Something is hard to explain by words. ahhhhh~~~ such a long time I didn't feel like this. Crying like hell n can't stop. Why did I cry? hmmmm~~ I'm waiting for it. I even wish it to come earlier but when I need to face it, it's hard for me. Yea it's kinda hard for me to face it. I admit that I don't really love UTP but it's hard for me to let everything here.(even single things). hmmmm life must go on no matter what.

p/s: I'll keep everything with me in a book call "memories". Love you guys.

Super Girl

Super girl doesn't cry

Super girl doesn't looks gloom

Super girl will be fine

Super girl knows how to handle the problems

p/s: Handle the problems with care. I always realize when the problems come, but I never notice when the problems are gone.

Past Present and Future

Hai ol

Wat m going to write is totally crap. If u feel uneasy with it, u r welcome to leave this page.

I was attracted with a quote, "Life gonna have full of challenges, when obstacles arise, change ur direction to reach ur goal, not the decision to get there". Thats life. From my perspective, I never know which way m going n why m going to that way until m in. Mean, m juz going to which way I want based on wat my heart say.

Some people will say that m kinna emotional coz m following wat my heart say. Fyi, my heart will owez think about others instead of myself (perhaps). Wat diz ppl will feel. Wat dat ppl may think. I feel sad or happy if I do this to him or her. Sometimes I feel like m living in my own world where m creating something to ease my heart. M creating my own excuses and reasons to ease myself. Although its work, but when the ugly truth appear, it will smash on ur face.

Wat happened. I move on. I keep moving forward and leave the past. Even, I feel afraid to look back at my past. However, m not having amnesia. Sometimes, it appears without I want too and reminds me on wat happened. Thats why, I need something/someone from present to pull me back to the real world. Its happened in the other way around. Past pulling me back and the present didnt pulling me but pushing instead. Feel like learning a grammar..hahaha.

p/s: to my past, present and future, I owez being me. Perhaps u may see m changing but if u see deep inside of me, m still me.

Wrap up for July 2010

Hai

Wat happened diz semester? Ermm everything went smoothly. My studies are getting better but I skip a lot of class. sigh sigh. I dont like it. Ermm for the first time ever, m close wit my GA. Mean we discuss a lot. Its weird for me of coz. Overall, I luv my lecturers and my subjects for diz semester. Thats wat I learn directly from class. For diz semester I luv Corporate Ethics. It is the 1st subject that I luv. It makes me think and realize about the real worlds.

We go into sth dat I learn outside of the class. I learn to pretend. It was hard at the beginning but m getting used to it. How do u feel when inside, u feel like wanna punch somebody but at the same time, the outside u are showing a nice face to them? How do u feel when u have to show a sweet face but the truth is u are angry at them? feeeuuuhh~~ it must be tired rite? But thats life. Not ol ppl can accept the real u accept they are willing to accept it.

The truth is, diz semester I talk less. ( I guess). I kept sooo many things inside. However, thx to my twin. She know how I feel without telling her wat Ive went through. Perhaps its sound lame but I really2 appreciate it. She may cry when I feel want to but I cant. She may laugh when I feel want to but I cant. She also know how sick I am. Thank you so much.

Lastly, I wanna thank to those who had make me cry, laugh and enjoy. I didnt blame those who make me cry bcoz that makes my life. Just to let u know sth. When I keep quiet doesn't mean m agree but dats mean. . . .

p/s: People say, don't judge the book by its cover. I realize. The book which look nice outside doesn't really be nice inside.

Anything Im Not

Hye! How were things going on?? Better?? Bad?? Or Mixed up?? Arghhh!! Wit diz kind of weather and quiet environment make me feel upside down. =_=” aigooooo Oryte. Let me divide my story into 3 categories: study, emotional and quick update.

STUDY.
OMG!! M in final exam mood!! Aaaaa~~~ can u imagine how was it? Kroh kroh. Juz finished with my 1st paper. LOL. Health Safety & Environment paper. I don’t really know wat I answered. =S Answered it based on my “writing skills”. LOL. Sooo m preparing myself for another 5 papers to go. Gambatte!! Caiyok2!! To ol my frenz, ol da best keyh! Aim high, though u can’t reach the moon but at least u fall on the star.

QUICK UPDATE
For next semester, I was bound with several commitments. For club and events of coz. C’mon! M a eventholic (same as workaholic ) LOL. Ermm m also working on a storyline for a game. Weeehuu~~ m in multimedia line. Quite excited. Hehe =P

EMOTION
Hmmmm~~ diz is the critical part. As usual, the same thing happened. Anythng people do/say will straightly go into my heart. M kinna use to it. So, wat can I do is juz keep silent as my 1st policy for diz semester is silent is better than words. Keep control myself. Arrghhh~~ tired of it.

Another thing is about the possibility of my past bad history to occur again. Lalalalala~~ why must it happen again?? M sooooo sorry. For diz time around, I can’t fight. M effortless. I feel weak. Ive lost soooo many energy during last battle. Juz don’t wanna get involve with the same battle again! LOL Juz kindly reminder, if some1 in, I’ll back off. Sound selfish but m tired with it. When I see it, I will juz sigh n smile. =)

p/s: I watched Megamind. Honestly I learn more than a lot from that story. One of it is, no matter how hard we try our best for others, they can’t see wat we keep inside. Either they are blind or pretend that they didn’t see it. (Taken from Megamind character). Feel like Megamind suite my personality (not appearance) =)

Smash

Remember diz. Dont let the emotion controls u but u've to control them. aahhhh~~ it was tiring. Fight wit our own feeling. It was ok when we can make things clear.Perhaps our feeling start to accept the fact and we r in rational state. But when we receive another smash! feeeuuuhhh~~ dush dush~~ erkkk~~ we collapsed.

Receiving the same momentum of smash make me tired. weeeeeeeeee~~~ straight go into my heart. please! take 5 needed here~~ hello~~ can u hear me~~ huhuhu.. i was wondering, i wanna smash back, i'll get harder smash. I wanna avoid it, i'll loose mark. So, wat should I do?

p/s: m learning to be stronger but not harder, to be softer but not weaker. however, i dont know how to =_="

Why?

Please change your mode into disappointed mode in order to understand the post.

Have u ever encounter a situation where by u feel dat u r the victim of the situation? Perhaps never. Naaaa~~ let’s make it short.

M wonder..did I ever disturb the other ppl relationship? This is not the first but more than three times its happened. Its kinna offense. M not going to tell u the exact story but juz wanna tell u dat m disappointed with it.

M happy with the progress but I realize the presence of me will ruin everything.

M sorry to say but the best way is making a distance. I dunno how long the distance will be.

p/s: perhaps u don’t know how the feeling was. Juz imagine how the feeling is when excited changed to upset

Attention!!!

Sir Yes Sir!!!

hehehe...Hye ol!!

Sometimes I wish I can go to some place where no one know me..Give me a break plz~~ need my space...It was okeyh if ppl juz smile n wave. I hate catching ppl eyes.. I prefer a low profile act but high profile personal..get my point??

M kinna secretive. Hard for me to share sth personal. U know y?? Bcoz I dont wanna let ppl know my weaknesses coz dat may effect me in term of life.

p/s: Really hate the situation when ppl talk behind my back...

Respect

Hye Ol!!!

1st thing 1st, I wanna warn u guys about my post today coz its quite emo...

M juz feel bad or bttr I put it as upset when some1 look down on woman / gurlz. M not saying dat m a gender basis ppl but at least you should pay some respect on us. Its not fair when u announced in ur class saying dat " guys..I hope u bttr watch out coz gurlz owez find u to do programming stuff". I dunno whether he wanna warns us or he wanna challenges us.

Yeaaa I know dat m not a good programmer. Yeaa I admit it. Since I was in foundy I never give up to give a try on programming. Somehow, I feel dat I should stop. BUT I cant do dat. Can u imagine how I feel?? How depressed I am?? Ppl who r good in programming can simply type everything, compile then run. As for me, Ive to start from the beginner level. When I heard from my frenz dat some1 give the above statement, somehow I feel like diz is not my line. I shouldnt be here.

I dunno. Is it the way he wanna motivate us. I dunno. Ive no choice. Wat I gotta do now is, pay attention and work on it. Let me tell u sth. I wanna prove to him dat yeaaa m bad. But m not the worst. Or at least m not dat bad.

p/s: he owes me a smile. U know y?? Coz I cant even smile to my hubby.. =(

Learning Outcomes

Hye Ol!!!

5th day. I went to the DCN class n I learnt about connection. About sender, receiver, medium, and data. Suddenly sth pop up in my mind. Its about connection between human being. In relationship we've opposite party. If only 1 party receive or send, the data cant be share or transmit. In connection also, every sender n receiver have their own protocol ( sets of rules). Y do we need protocol? To make sure the rules are executed orderly. Dats happn in relationship. Everyone of us have our own principles, mind set and natural behaviors. We've to make sure they correspond to each other in both side. Wat I meant here is, we've to learnt to respect, and try to configure the protocol. It may helps u to understand each other bttr.Diz protocol kinna challenging but helpful. Guess y?? If we know ppl well, we can act how we should be. How about medium?? Medium acts as a carrier / booster in connection. Same concept in relationship. We need sth to spice up our relationship. Its depnd on situation. Either we'll facing problem, we arguing or we keep silent. It shows u where ur relationship direct to. End of DCN class.

Then I went to SE class. I learnt about designing process. Wat can I say from the graph, when we design a system, its may happn situation where by its fluctuate. Sometimes it goes high up and sometimes it goes lower down. In early stage, we may face many kind of problems and errors. As time goes by, its getting bttr. Howeva, it doesnt owez maintain at the same level. We need to improvise our system. Then the errors occurd again n it goes down. When it reaches its turning point, it'll goes up again. In relationship, if we dont know about the persons well, we may put high expectation on them. When they did sth wrong we blamed them. Or in other situation, we expect dat person doing A but he choose B. Its kinna freak me out. huhuhu...

Lessons for today:

- If possible try not to put high expectation on other ppls.

- Get to know ppls.

- Blame urself instead of other ppl.

- Human r not perfect. They cant do everythng dat we wish them to do

- Sometimes we bttr speak wit silent rather than speak wit words.

p/s: when we think too much its hurt.

Shoes

Hye Ol!!!

Day 3...as usual I went to classes but we've sooo many gaps n it makes me feel tired to wait 4 next class..Everything were fine. I went to Taman Maju to accompany my frenz to buy capsule pillow n one of my senior colleague to buy shoes.

Wat hppnd at shoes shop??? Fyi m a shoes lover. I love shoes. Compared wit other stuff I prefer shoes. Yeaaaa... I've soo many shoes. I like to try on shoes. Then as usual I try the shoes there without any attention to buy it. Then the shop keeper ask me n my frenz " Wat do u wanna buy?" I answrd " We r juz looking around 1st". She went to somewhere else then asked us again " Wat do u wanna buy?" I said " We accompany our frenz". Guess wat her respon??? " If u juz accompany ur frenz then accompany her, dont try any!!!"..OK FINE!!!! IT MAKES ME FEEL OFFENDED. I juz answrd nicely " Ok aunty. Thank you sooo much". I feel like crying. Honestly, I feel like she is humiliating me. Am I sound exaggerate??? M sorry to say. I never eva buy any shoes from dat shop.. EVAAAAA!!!!!! Hellooooo!!! ur shop is not even bttr then Bata!!!!

Yeaaaaa~~~ aunty u r rite!!! Its my fault coz trying ur shoes...Remmber diz name..S*****A!!!!!!! never eva!!!!

After the incident, I prefer to stay quite. I guess dats my style diz semester. If I feel angry or sad or upset, I'll keep silent.

p/s: M crying coz I need my mom now...Really2 need her by my side at diz time. =(

Up and Downs

Hye ol!!!

My second day...dunno y I fell like wanna write sth 4 diz 1 whole week. Today was funny. U know y?? Coz I n my frenz were asked to leave the class. Actually we cant take dat course diz sem. We've to take it after we came back from internship. I still remember wat the lecturer told us. " Is there any students who r not final year student?? Diz coz was meant to be 4 final year student" We raised up our hand and the lecturer asked " which year r u in??" I answerd " 2nd yr 1st semester". The lecturer replied" m sorry to say but diz course only for final year student. We've case study to discuss n hope u guys would understand. Im sorry but u've to drop diz course". Then honourdly we left the class.. hahahhaahh..I laughed out loud but my frenz almost cry coz cant bare the shame.. For me, it was nice experience coz I got to know how the final year student 's lecturer treat his students. Honestly it is diff.. I like it....siyesly..

At evening I misz my family.I really misz them. I juz came back but really need them now. Yeaaa I've frenz n my hubby but its not the same. Mak Ayah Angah~~ I misz u guys...M crying sob sob sob...I dunno how to tell u wat I feel. Yeaaa Ive sooo many ppl around me. They make jokes, make me smile, but I feel empty. I feel nobody arounds me. M wonder, y cant they differentiate between fake n true smile??? hmmmmm~~ can some1 bring my family here???

At nite I meet 2 guys. One really make me feel annoyd and another one honestly I cant look into his eyes. The 1 who make me feel annyd is not dat bad..Juz he owez teasing me...I hate when he smiles to me though sometime m waiting for it..At least he cheer me up tonite..Another man...hmmmm~~ it is a long story.. I meet him during DCN 1st class.. I asked in ENGLISH I repeat again... in ENGLISH about the class. I never know him. I dunno who is him. I thought he is Pakistanis coz he really2 looks like 1. Tonite I meet him . Guess wat?? He is not. He is malaysian n he his from Penang. OMG!!!! can u imagine how I feel juz now. Soooooo shameful. I know dats nthng wrong speaking in English but I juz dunno y I felt shameful.

As conclusion, today was up and down. I feel up in the begginng of the day, then down in evening then go up again when I meet diz 2 guys, then down again when I came back to my room.

p/s: I need ears coz my ears were tired. Do u get wat I meant??

Does Bygone Be Bygone???

Lets try ur imagination skills.

Imagine urself are digging. U dig really2 hard.U feel tired n u said to urself " I wanna stop here. I cant go any futher". U feel the winds blow that make u cooler. U sit under the nearby tree. U feel better. U start digging again. U feel tired then u stop. As usual, the wind and tree owez there to comfort u n make u dig again n again. Then u made a decision. " I wanna stop here n I guess its enaf for me". Then u sit back under the same tree.The tree tell u " i'll be here to support u n keep shadowing u from the sun". U pick one by one pieces of ur memories n put it inside a box. U lock the box. U put the box inside the hole and start cover the hole back. U said to urself " Memories, m sorry. Dats the best place for u. U r important coz u've teach me a lot but at the same time u hurt me. Please be there n never ever come again". The day after, u come again to the same place. U saw, the hole r uncover n the memories r everywhere. Slowly u collect back ol ur memories n do the same things as u did the day b4. Its hurt u when u've to see ur memories while u dont want too. The same things happnd again n again.

One day, u tell the tree " m tired of diz. I dunno untill when diz things will go on. I digging n keeping n hurt". As usual, the tree will say " hey little girl, no matter wat, m owez here for u. I owez supporting u n shadowing u. Though its hurt me when I see u cry but m glad bcoz u cry with me. It makes me feel upset when u cry bcoz of ur past. U know wat, though u r using me to cover ol ur memories but its fine with me. I know when I support n shadow u from sun, its make u smile n happy." U ask the tree " M wonder untill when u can shadow n support me. M sooo sorry n thx for everythng. U've done a lot for me." The tree say " I dunno. However, I hope one day u'll let ur memories fly with the wind rather than u keep it here."

p/s: I do hope so