This few days, I feel disturbed with some sort of demotivated things. This entry will be a very long entry.
Since primary school, I feel like I was surrounded with pretty girls excluded me. Being a boyish kid make me feel more comfortable to have boys as friends. Nevertheless, it does affect my personality back then. I am talkative, playful, rough, and sometimes bit rude. However, deep in my heart, I do feel like I wanna be like those pretty girls. As I skip from standard 3 to standard 5, hence I have 2 group of friends: those who are same age as me and those who are same batch as me. So, during primary school I am popular not because I am good in my study or cause I am pretty but because I always fight with guys and they really love to tease me.
Then I continued my life as a high school student. I decided to change my personality. I became more passive, less friends, and just follow with the flow. Out of nowhere I became more sensitive, secretive, and defensive. I build up wall so people wont see the real me. At first I blame the environment. As I grow older, I realise that, I should never change how I am even though the environment is not as the same as during primary school. My high school life is dull. I just study for the sake of results. Obviously, I am not top scorer in my class. Never ever reach top 5 in class and rarely get attention from my teachers. However, everything changed when I was in Form 4 and Form 5. There are few situations that challenge me:
1. I was applying for boarding school and the teacher said straight to my face " with ur result, never have dream to be in boarding school ". By that time, my PMR result is 7A 2B
2. I asked my friend who are top scorer in my class to teach me then he said " U asked me this kind of question?" and including those who just ignore my questions
3. I asked my friends, how they got an interview with petronas through their SPM trial result and they said " its nothing to do with you"
Included those I didn't list here, I decided that I will make them amaze with me one day. I still remember one of my teacher challenge me and say " how come u wanna break district record even u cant even break school record?" During my high school life, I start to learnt on how people compete and step on others to be on top. After my bounced period, my score getting better. However, I lost my friend. She felt jealous cause guys start to be close with me. It was funny though. We continue our life but I can feel her eagerness to fight. Well, it is a good competition.
Alhamdullilah. When SPM result out, I was announced as top 10 best student in my school. It was unexpected. Besides I am mentally abuse by friends and teachers, I am emotionally disturbed with some sort of personal matters. I met my teachers and said " I didnt break district or school records but I prove that, I'm not that bad". I personally received my SPM result from teacher who said my result is not good enough to be in boarding school. The best part is, my best friend hug me and said " za, congratulations. I try to fight with u but seems like I lost and I am sorry".
Alhamdullilah. Next, I continued my life as UTP student. I still remember when I told my high school friends that I am UTP student. They were shocked. Obviously, I look like someone who doesn't deserve to even pass the interview. In UTP, I develop totally a different me. I force myself to talk with strangers, be active and talkative. I guess, I don't have to repeat what I had gone through in UTP as most of my blog entries are about my life in UTP. One thing that I realize, most of my friends in UTP are either top scorer or those with unique background and personality. Obviously I am not the first option. hehehe..
convocation bachelor (Hons) ICT
So, what are those demotivated things? The feeling of being tease, look down at and ugly. Sometimes people just say something for the sake of joking. Nevertheless, if too much of something, you may be annoyed. This entry is not to be proud of myself but to share my journey of life before I receive my scroll. I may look arrogant ( or maybe I am ) but if they know what I had gone through since I am kid, perhaps they will re-consider to classify me as arrogant.
Lastly, everyone deserve to be successful. What you have is doesn't matter, how you use does. Always keep reminding yourself, my ambition is to be_______ in this world and want to be one of companions of the garden (ahli syurga) in hereafter.
p/s: never give up
