If and only if

Dear all, 

Here I am. It's been a year since I wrote my last post. I keep telling myself to update my blog but ended up forget about it.  

Of course, within a year so many things had happened. I lost my grandfather. A wise old man who always smile. I still remember when I was a kid, he will bring me to the clinic with my mom. He will drive his blue car with pink dolphin inside it. I dare not touch his dolphin hehehe. Sometimes, he will bring some fruits to our house. He is very hardworking and patience. He came from poor family. He is the lucky man who is marrying a respected lady coming from the well – known rich family. My grandmother told me that, she falls for him because he is very hardworking and know how to make more money despite he is uneducated “kampong” boy. I never see him raises his voice. He is someone with the highest tolerance level. He love to share his life journey and of course it will inspire me. He always remind me to be patience and be good in my study. Stop complaining how hard my life now because he had gone through harder.

He always waiting for his children to come back home. Being a dad of course he won’t show his feeling. One day, I received a text from my uncle (pak usu) saying that my grandfather is critical. He is having fever for a week and doesn’t want to eat. He was hospitalized and doctor had confirmed that his lung are shrunken. My relatives came to visit him. I won’t forget the moment when my uncles, aunts and cousins are rushing to go back while they knew that my grandfather couldn’t wait any longer. Their reasons are simple. They are working the next day and they have to send their kids to the school.

I won’t forget the moment he took his last breath in front of me and my aunt (mak usu). I feel relieve and grateful for given a chance to be with him until the end of his life. I know, whatever I do, it won’t be equivalent to what he has done for me. I will always miss him, his advises and remember his smile. Praise to Allah the all mighty. The lost had opened my eyes and heart to realize that my parents are getting older too. Suddenly I become emotionally attached to my parents. I feel uneasy to be separated from them.

Allah is the best planner and the best teacher. My parents went to Mecca to perform Hajj and left us for about 2 months. It was the most challenging period in my life. Being the eldest, I have to take care of my sister and my grandmother at Muar. I feel lost. I have to drive back to Muar every weekend to visit my grandmother and dividing my time between works and personal to ensure my sister was fine. As my sister is staying with me, it was easier for me to manage her.

That moment, I realize how ungrateful I am for having a parents with me. I took them for granted. Before this, I went back to Muar every weekend for the sake of killing sometime over the weekend. I should realize that Allah had gave me the opportunity to serve them. I even wish to go back to my teenage life where I’m being rude and fight with my parents. The moment that I regretted the most is the time I’m spending with the one who I think is the one who will make me happy and live with me till the end of my life. I neglected my parents but ended up I broke up with him. I just couldn’t forgive myself.

Now, even though my parents are getting older, they will be with me when I am in need. I realize that, there is no other man can replace my dad. He never fail to meet my expectation. He won’t break my heart. He is the best man in the world. I realize that, there is no other friend can replace my mom who will listen and scold me at the same time. The iron lady who can manage her time between works and family.

p/s: If and only if I realize it earlier.