If and only if

Dear all, 

Here I am. It's been a year since I wrote my last post. I keep telling myself to update my blog but ended up forget about it.  

Of course, within a year so many things had happened. I lost my grandfather. A wise old man who always smile. I still remember when I was a kid, he will bring me to the clinic with my mom. He will drive his blue car with pink dolphin inside it. I dare not touch his dolphin hehehe. Sometimes, he will bring some fruits to our house. He is very hardworking and patience. He came from poor family. He is the lucky man who is marrying a respected lady coming from the well – known rich family. My grandmother told me that, she falls for him because he is very hardworking and know how to make more money despite he is uneducated “kampong” boy. I never see him raises his voice. He is someone with the highest tolerance level. He love to share his life journey and of course it will inspire me. He always remind me to be patience and be good in my study. Stop complaining how hard my life now because he had gone through harder.

He always waiting for his children to come back home. Being a dad of course he won’t show his feeling. One day, I received a text from my uncle (pak usu) saying that my grandfather is critical. He is having fever for a week and doesn’t want to eat. He was hospitalized and doctor had confirmed that his lung are shrunken. My relatives came to visit him. I won’t forget the moment when my uncles, aunts and cousins are rushing to go back while they knew that my grandfather couldn’t wait any longer. Their reasons are simple. They are working the next day and they have to send their kids to the school.

I won’t forget the moment he took his last breath in front of me and my aunt (mak usu). I feel relieve and grateful for given a chance to be with him until the end of his life. I know, whatever I do, it won’t be equivalent to what he has done for me. I will always miss him, his advises and remember his smile. Praise to Allah the all mighty. The lost had opened my eyes and heart to realize that my parents are getting older too. Suddenly I become emotionally attached to my parents. I feel uneasy to be separated from them.

Allah is the best planner and the best teacher. My parents went to Mecca to perform Hajj and left us for about 2 months. It was the most challenging period in my life. Being the eldest, I have to take care of my sister and my grandmother at Muar. I feel lost. I have to drive back to Muar every weekend to visit my grandmother and dividing my time between works and personal to ensure my sister was fine. As my sister is staying with me, it was easier for me to manage her.

That moment, I realize how ungrateful I am for having a parents with me. I took them for granted. Before this, I went back to Muar every weekend for the sake of killing sometime over the weekend. I should realize that Allah had gave me the opportunity to serve them. I even wish to go back to my teenage life where I’m being rude and fight with my parents. The moment that I regretted the most is the time I’m spending with the one who I think is the one who will make me happy and live with me till the end of my life. I neglected my parents but ended up I broke up with him. I just couldn’t forgive myself.

Now, even though my parents are getting older, they will be with me when I am in need. I realize that, there is no other man can replace my dad. He never fail to meet my expectation. He won’t break my heart. He is the best man in the world. I realize that, there is no other friend can replace my mom who will listen and scold me at the same time. The iron lady who can manage her time between works and family.

p/s: If and only if I realize it earlier.

Journey to the East

Dear all,

People said, “Experience is the best teacher”. I had a mentoring session today and it was on my request. I feel stress with my works and my working life routine starts to annoy me. I love my jobs and I love with what I’m doing. The thing is that I feel not confident to be in my position now. I made mistakes and most of them are unforgettable silly mistakes. Being someone who really concern on reputation and credibility really challenge my capability. Well, as what my mentor said, experience is not the only ways for me to learn. I can learn through theories and be more analytical. Learn from others.

Besides my works, I do have something to share with you. It may sound funny but when I think about what happened yesterday, it makes me smile by myself. It was freaking tiring to drive for 5 hours and continue the journey for another 6 hours. Well, at least it was a good memory. >.< hehehe. It’s good to hear when someone said, “Ira..just sleep if you want to sleep” and “See~ I told you. You don’t have to struggle. I know you are tired”. When I said sorry and we had a little arguments that someone end up said “ aissshhh~~ sleep first talk later. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep”. When I can’t finish my dinner that someone looks at me, I just smile and said “I’m full”. That someone just shake head and make a troll face. When I said I wanna bungkus the food for breakfast, that someone said “Do you take breakfast?” and make another troll face.

Ok. I should stop smiling and off to bed. Need more energy for tomorrow.

P/s: Even though I can’t have you but at least I can be with you…awwwww sooo sweeeeeettt =P 

Confuse

Dear all,

Lately, I feel stress with my works. Rushing and have to be zero error. Have to change what I'm thinking immediately and everything have to be perfect. So, it affects my emotions and mental. I can't think straight and easily offended or offending people. 

Even a simple thing like certain date on calendar give a significant impact on me. Just now, I watched a movie about falling in love after marriage. Can you imagine I cried while watching the movie. Funny right? Well, it's not a sad ending but the way the writer write the story, the actor and actress act on it had touched me. Honestly, that's my dream marriage life. I know it sounds like fairytale and novel but I love to be treated as per in the movie. Get to know and learnt about each other. Flirting with your husband/wife without feeling guilty of sins. To be honest, while I'm watching the movie, there's only one person in my mind. The person is you. 

p/s: My life getting funny, the day became sunny, my eyes became watery and it will embrace in my memories

You can do more..can you?

Dear all,

Finally here I am. I keep telling myself to update my blog  - too much to tell but too little time I have. There's a lot of thing happened which involved with my feeling. Yeaaa right~ being a Pisces you cant run from being emotional and dreamy. What can I conclude from what happened to me is do I have option to do more than what I'm supposed to do? Do I have right for that? Am I allowed to do so? 

First, as a friend, do you have right to bother and care too much about your friend? There's a boundaries from being a friend and special one. Even though you can give more but you should know the limits. Once you cross the limits, then that's it. For me, the limits is subjective and depends on the people themselves. It may be the limits for you but not for me. Agree? 

Second, as a team in one department, you'll supporting each other. Sometimes they may need your help to provide them with some info or guidance BUT you are not supposed to do the job for them. We have our own job description and KPI to meet. Honestly, it's hard to neglect the request but we should have clearer picture on what we are supposed to do. For me, I don't mind to do more than what I'm supposed to do. As long as I am happy with it. 

When we care about someone or something, we tend to be like busybody. Tonight, I got it straight to my face and it woke me up. Along this while, I keep care and do more than what I'm supposed to do. When someone look sad, I'll ask him/her what happened. When someone sick, I'll get medicine or at least show some care. When someone happy, we share the happiness. Then suddenly tonight, someone told me that " if he/she doesn't ever tell you what is his/her problem, why should you think about it?" Honestly, being me, when I decided to care about someone, I will care about him/her regardless who they are. I will try my best to do everything for them regardless the limits. But what happened tonight really wakes me up. Not everyone happy with what I do. If he is my friend, I should treat him as a friend. If that's their job, should let them do it. 

When it comes to heartbroken or relationship, I became so sensitive. It just that, someone hurt me. I knew the feeling of being hurt. I don't want to look at how painful it is to my love one. However, if being hurt is the best way for them, what can I do? The best I can do is being there when they in need. 

p/s: Happiness and Sadness is essential in our life. Problems bring me down, Support bring me up, God keep me going.  

How best and worst things can be

Hello everyone,

 I read a story about an old man, donkey and well. I feel like it was an interesting story. The story begin when the donkey falls into a well. The old man, as an owner of the well think that he should cover the well. He found out there was a donkey inside. He talked to himself, nothing he can do beside covering the well. He ignored the donkey and start covering the well. The donkey shouted and begged for help. The old man keep put in the sands. The donkey falls once in a while but he keep shouting and get up. Then the donkey reliase, if it keeps getting up, it can safe its life. It get up continously and finally it safe.

For the past few weeks, I always wondering what will be my future.Who is destiny to be my husband? How my life with him? Will he be my husband? Why so many things happened for the couple of months ago? Why I feel safe and comfortable with this person? What does this sign means? These questions keep bothering me.

What is the relationship between the questions and the donkey? I’m wondering too much about my future till I forgot about my present. I should treasure today as I don’t know is there tomorrow for me. Why should I worry about how best and worst things can be? Allah had planned everything for me. He is the greatest and smartest planner of all. Yes, this is my life and I have choice to choose which way to go.

Let me put it this way. Donkey is life. Sands are challenges. Challenges will always come into your life regardless who you are. Do you realize that you grow, learn, and the most important thing is being you through all the challenges that you faced? Challenges had molded and shaped you into who are you now. As I’m bothering too much about my future, I stayed inside the well without doing anything. Worrying about who is meant for me is kinda headache though. I should put my trust on Him, keep moving on and get up regardless whatever happened to me. When the time has come, I can escape from the well and meet the perfect guy.

p/s: the perfect man doesn’t mean the perfect for me =D

False Alarms

Dear all,

It’s been quite sometimes I didn’t update myself. So here I am for the quick update. Recently Kuantan, Kemaman, and Dungun were affected by flood. In fact, even Johor and Melaka were affected too. Alhamdullilah everything is getting better day by day. It was a great experience I would say. Going out finding foods, clean water and taking shower with only 3 pails of water. Can you imagine? Fuuuhh~~ I just realize perfume is a thoughtful invention. Hahahaha.

Beside flood things, my life was just the same. I received a news that my boss gonna resign soon. It was a great lost honestly. When I’m emotionally attached with someone, it is kinda hard to lose them. Well, I know we have whatsapp, Line, Viber, FB etc, but it’s not the same as face to face interaction. I feel sad because he is my first manager and he’s the one who mould me for the past 10 months. He guided me the way of doing things one by one without letting me feel stupid. Aishhh~~ I just realize that people keep coming and go from my life. I don’t know whether it was a sign but I feel sad about it.

In February, someone will leave me too. That person keep saying, “whatever Ira, while I’m here”. T.T and I keep scolding him when he said so. I hope our friendship will last till the end even though I just get to know him for 10 months.  Knowing him taught me to be a bit easy going. Do not put too much pressure on the things that are not necessary or yet to happen. The thing is that, I always look silly, blur and clumsy in front of him. Ok fine! Ottoke~~ it’s me anyway. Hehehe. I’m admiring the way he handle his life. With all those things happened in his life before really teach me a lot on the values of being independent, strong, friendship and never show to people how bad your day is.

So, that’s all for today.   

p/s: Evacuating my heart as I keep receiving false alarms. =P

Its About Time

Dear all,

Recently I have been flooded with great news which I supposed to be happy with it. Well, I am happy. One by one of my friends are either getting married or engaged. At first I feel happy as they were happy. I bring present and attended their ceremony. Then I start to get news that, either they were pregnant or about to give birth. Honestly, I'm so happy for them.

However, I have something in my heart. I felt like I'm loosing my friends. The biggest news that affecting me was a story of my best friend's engagement early this month. Of course I am happy for him. Alhamdullilah, he got his answer and he will have peaceful life. I told myself, its not gonna be the same as before. Well, he used to be my personal consultant. 

Honestly, I start to feel sad as one by one of my friends are moving to the next stage of their life. First, Hariz, then Syafiq and latest Iz. I do imagine that we will grow up and moving on to the next stage of our life but I never expect that I'll feel this way. Its kinda mixed up feeling were you feel happy and sad at the same time. I'm anticipating more news from my friends. I just can't imagine how will it be when I received an invitation from Sopha, Ada, Nisyak, Ecah, Syirah, Fatin, Kak Zira, Aqwa, Pejal, Capiq, Syed, Kak Fain, Bell, Zati, Silah, and last but not list Halim. They are my strength. I used to turn to them when I feel in need. I just had a feeling that everything will not be the same. 

Life must go on. Insya Allah, Ya Allah, please protect them as they were so important in my life. Bring happiness, peace and give them strength and calmness so they can undergo their life with your bless. Protect them from danger, sadness and bad people. Guide them and show them the right path as you know everything either its about to happened, will happen or happened. Thank you Allah for bring me these great people in my life. 

p/s: Time goes, Friends Stay