Unexpected !!!

hmmm...such a long time I didn't update my blog. Tonite I feel like wanna update it. I have so many things to update like my vacation at Port Dickson, my healthy status, my family, and him. However tonite I wanna share something funny. Its about one of my primary school frenz.

The story began when I enter standard 5. Actually I'm a PTS student. I skip standard 4 and straight away go into standard 5. At dat time, I was soooo scared coz I've to mix around wit someone older than me. Then diz one guy come to me and ask " Are u a new student?". We start to chit chat until a few gurlz came. Then he go and play wit his frenz. Start from dat day he got my attention. Unfortunately, almost all story I heard about him is a bad story. He is player so becareful of him.He is diz. He is dat. I juz dont mind.

The most funniest memory about us is during he ask me to give him my drawing block (paper for drawing). I keep saying cannot coz its mine. He even wanna buy from me but I keep saying cannot and ask him to ask from others. He said, he dont want to and only want from me. I ask y. Then one of his frenz said dat he fall for me.LOL. I said wat??? dont u shame about urself?? wit dat kind of face u want me??? LOL. I was so rude back then. He punched his frenz. Then he juz keep quite. I offer him my drawing block but he dont want it. Guess wat?? He sulks!!!!Finally, he ask from my frenz.LOL.

We r quite close. Close here doesn't meant we r a best frenz or cpl but bully frenz. He keep bullying me. Teasing me. He owez call me "zirafah"(giraffe) coz dats my nickname dat my frenz give me during my primary school. Although he is such a jerk but m having a sweet and funny memory wit him.

Unfortunately, everything change when out of nowhere there is rumor about me. One of my frenz ( gurl ) make a story dat I'm someone gf. LOL. Actually one of my classmate (guy) came to my house and borrow my notes. Then my frenz ( gurl ) saw us and make a story about us. Since then, he changed. I dont know wat happend to him. He teasing me as usual but he is difference. I still remember when I cry inside the class coz the whole class teasing me including him about the rumor. The best thing is, he is the 1st one who say sorry to me.LOL.

He transfers to other school and we didn't contact much. Our relationship becoming worst when I cpl wit other guy. He starts avoiding me.Sadly, after dat I keep got a bad news about him saying he is difference now. He is smoking. Drove someone daughter everywhere as he want. And of coz his player personality becoming worst. My father know him. Guess wat?? He is one of my father student. Of coz, he is the worst. The good thing about him is, yes he is bad student, but he didnt disturb others. My father punish him but he still pays some respect to my father. Dats wat I like about him. He is a bad and jerk but I still can see his good quality. (OMG m prasing him tooo much). Another thing makes my father knows him is he owez said, " Cikgu kem salam anak". ( sir, send my regard to ur daughter).

After high school I lost contact wit him. We juz meet accidentally. Last news I got about him is he works as a waiter wit catering company. And tonite I was sooooo epi coz after a few years we meet again.

The story like diz. Me n my fam plan to buy some school stuff for my sister. As usual my father wait out side in the car. Then I went out to get into a car. Then I saw my father talk wit one guy. I thought he was my father's student so i juz ignored them. I cleaned up the sit at the back and go inside. Then suddenly the guy call me, " Zahirah~~". I looked at him and my father ask me, "Do u remember him?". I was soooooo blurred. LOL. Then he laughed and smiled. Definitely, its him. I remember his voice . I shouted " Such a long time didnt see u!!!!". We laughed. I ask him where he is now and wat he doing. Then I told him, " Such a long time I didnt see u and u look difference". Guess wat he replies??? " really?? am i getting handsome or awsome??" and laughed. i juz said " I hate to hear dat". We laughed again. Then he makes a move. He still jerk like b4.LOL.

Dunno y, I feel epi to meet him again. Although it juz a short meeting but still can make me smile while writing diz. Honestly I misz him and misz his funny character. I still can hear his voice calling me and ol our memory come into my mind one by one. No one ever called me like him. LOL.I juz want him to know dat, I still care about him.Although I didn't choose him as someone special in my life but his character make him special. LOL.All diz time being I keep focusing on someone who doesn't want me in his life until I forgot about others. I should take it as lesson =P

Therapy is needed!!!

Tonite I feel like wanna write something. You should call me crazy or psychiatric. I juz wanna ask u..how do u feel when u feel like someone shadow is following you?? Someone dat make you upset. How do you feel?? Everywhere I go, I will feel she is there. That gurlz is her. This gurlz is her. I juz cant stand it anymore. Its make me feel uncomfortable especially when there is a lot of people. Its getting worse when I start being quiet when m in public area. Dunno y its getting worse n worse. M I hate her dat much???

I juz dunno how to explain diz to peoples. Its really makes me crazy. For a normal people, they can say, "Juz forget bout it ira. Forget about her" or " C'mon ira..u thnk too much about her while she even didnt care or rmmbr about u" or maybe " hahahaha..its funny".How to explain?? Its me who feel it.Yesterday I went to shopping mall wit my mom n diz syndrome happnd. I juz cant speak, have no mood and feel like burst. I told him about diz coz I am so called his best frenz but I dont thnk so. Guess wat his respon?? He laught.

To ol my frenz, plz pray for me..Pray dat i'll be strong. Strong enaf to fight wit her shadow n my feeling. I didnt wish to forget her coz I know its impossible, but I juz hope diz syndrome end. I give myself another 1 year to fix diz things up. If its not work out, last plan is i'll meet psychiatrist. For diz time being, i'll avoid myself from being in public. I know its sounds like coward but I juz cant face it now. I need more time. Plz pray for me and thx.

What I've Learnt Diz Sem

Time pass very fast. Tmr is a last day for me as a 1st year 1st sem student. Diz sem I learnt many things. Of coz its not from class coz diz sem I skip class quite often. Thx to 'my beloved frenz' here..hahaha...

I will misz UTP. V3's tom yam and of coz him. Who's him?? hahahaha..guess who...Wat can I say diz sem is a dramatic sem. I be an emo gurlz. Crying at nite. Angry at day. hahahaha...when I think it back, its funny. Yup its totally funny.

About couple, m getting used to it alr. At first m quite upset when I see there's a lot of cpl around me but as time goes by, m getting used to it. My frenz know wat i meant. However, the good thing is diz sem i got so many hubby. Like Lemon (at first he declares himself Honey. Then he changes to Lemon coz i dont want to give him my chicken..hahaha..). Then I've my sayang. Nthng wit him. Then I've my contract lover. We'll be contract lover untill at the end of next sem. hehehe..We almost divorce today but we can safe it. He didnt go back diz sem break but he will go to Brunei. Tk care!!! Then I've my high skul frenz. We owez YM together and one day his frenz sign in to YM using his username. Since dat nite when we wanna chatting, he has to write password. 3 killer words. Funny rite?? Although I've Lemon,sayang, contract lover and a guy wit 3 killer words, but they r my frenz. Not more than dat. For me, there's nthng wit the name. We can call everyone wit wateva name we want but the more important things is, who r they in our heart =D.

Hang on. of coz i didnt forget about my sweetheart. hehehehe..b4 dat..congratulation na~~ we juz know each other diz sem. You help me a lot especially wit my relationship wit him and my SP. Thx for the movie, series,animation, advices and everything. U r like my brother (bong). The best thing about u is, u never scold me but owez support me n b at my side. Its funny when u owez back me up when my 'beloved frenz' teasing me.hahahaha..it is a sweet memory for me. hope we still can contact each other although after u graduate.

Diz sem also I make new frenz. Some of them from EE and some seniors. Diz sem also m getting closer wit Nisa and Visa ( Thailand gurlz). They r sweet.

As a conclusion, for diz sem I cry a lot and I laugh a lot. Thx to u who make me cry and thx to u who make me laugh. It is wat I call as memory. My memory as UTP student. I thnk I bttr stop now coz DM is waiting for me.

Tmr is my last paper. So sad to leave UTP. I alr packed my stuff. My room quite messy tonite. Tmr around 2:30 i'll move from UTP. To my 'beloved frenz' dont misz me too much. I know u'll coz i'll too.

Fun

Wat happened today will be one of my memory as UTP student. It was fun. Thx. Pictures will tell everything.

Cake =S

Michael and Andy

Couple of the year =P

Pleeezz~~ Dont laugh..hehehehe

Abg Nizam and Gurlz =P

All of us..Abg with his present and cake =D

Sweet Memory

Me and my rum8

Abu Zar, Farah, Sarah

Rum8 and Abg Nizam

With Abg Nizam =D

First time wearing shawl. How was it???hehehe

Hatred

First of all I would like to say sorry. Sorry for everything.In my life, I never hate people. No matter how bad they are, I still can accept them. Or I can just ignore them. But everything change when I know her. She is someone that I never expect to appear in my life. Honestly, this is first time I hate someone. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel uncomfortable, uneasy, angry, sad, annoyed n everything. I ask my friend and my senior, what should I do? They did help but the feeling burden me. Tonite, I juz cant stop my mind thinking about her and him. Why?? I also dunno. The quietness make it worst.

Sometimes it becomes worst. When I heard her name, the feeling start to come out. I know its annoying to read this kind of emo2 things but my intention is juz to give an advice to the reader. Please!!! M really2 begging you, never ever make people hate you or never ever hate people coz its hurt. Its hurt deep inside you. Its really2 hurt.

Do you know, our feeling/heart is like concrete wall and nail. When we hurt other people feeling, its like we make a hold on the wall using a nail. When we ask for forgiveness from that person, its like we pull back the nail from the wall. You can see there is no nail anymore but do you realize you left a hold on that wall?? thats wat i meant. When we ask forgiveness people will really forget it. However we should know we left a mark in their heart.

This is wat happened to me. I alr forgave her. I dunno.Perhaps m not really2 forgave her. Thats y there is still mark in my heart about what has happened. Deep inside my heart, I pray she will get him. Honestly I dont want it to happen but if they are destiny to be together, wat can I do.

So..plzz!!!! I remind you again. Dont ever hate people!!!

Nothng to Say

I feel like m having free time tonite, so m updating my blog. Some emo thngs to share wit u.

Actually my parents n my sister came on November 7. They came here by bus. After OnG test, around 2:30pm I went to Medan Gopeng to take them. The 1st question my father asked me was "u never go wash ur car??"hahahaha..i juz smile n gigled. He juz said..hmmmm...Then we ate. After that we went to Batu Gajah. My mother alr booked a room 4 us. M having a wonderful time hang out wit my family. M quite disappointed wit myself coz i cant afford to treat my family dat nite. M having financial prob. So wat to do, as usual my father paid for the dinner. Then go back to our room. We chit chat, laugh, and watching tv. I think ppl may think its normal but for me its special. Around 11 pm my father n I went to mamak stall near by. At dat moment, I feel like I wanna explode. I wanna tell my father about him. Wat he has done to me. About the poem, star and about Ana. Unfortunately, I cant. Dunno y. I try to tell him but I juz cant. Nvm. Maybe its not the rite time.

The day after we went to pizza hut. hahahaha.. I ate a lot. My mom quite shocked. Coz b4 diz I dont like to eat but since staying at UTP I eat a lot. I meant A LOT.M growing but unfortunately wider not taller.hehehe..Time pass by and we r having fun. Sadly, my parents wanna go back early coz m having drama assessment dat day. I keep telling them its okeyh but they wanna go back early. We reach Medan Gopeng around 1:45 pm. Honestly, I feel super duper sad dat time. I feel bad. Wat kind of daughter I am?? Parents come to visit me?? M the one who should go back to them. Btw I forgot to tell about my younger sister. hmmm..so jealous of her coz she grows taller n bigger. She juz done wit her PMR. I hope she will get flying colors and wish her ol da best.

At 2:00 pm,they went back. I am crying at public. hahahahaha. M juz waving my hands n trying to not cry. Seriously, I feel really2 bad dat time. I promise myself. After diz, if m having free time, I will go back to Muar. Distance is not an excuses anymore. Wateva the risk, I've to face coz I dont want my parents come to me. I wanna me myself go to them. I juz realise I cant loose them. If I involve in an accident on the way I go back to Muar its okeyh. At least they will lost only me one person. However, if they involve in accident, they will left me one person.Then I went back to UTP. M crying again inside the car. OMG. I drove back to UTP while crying.hehehe..I owez watch diz in movie but never thought it will happen to me.Yup. M crying while driving. My advice, " Dont try diz at home" =P

If u don't have special one, boyfriend, girlfriend, hubby, bunny or wateva ppl called, u have to be grateful coz u still have ur family. Believe me. They will be there whenever u want them to be there. They owez support u.

Dats ol about my family..ttyl n take care

Epi Bday Awak

poem inside the glass =)

final product..waiting for delivery

bear for him?? hahaha...silly gurlz

glass inside the box

letter surrounded by star inside the box

70 star with poem inside =)

hopefully u owez epi..no matter where u r we r still in the same planet rite?? no worry about the distance...tk care..although the star didn't sparkling as the star at the sky but i wish my star will make u smile when u r down...

izza

4/11/2009

Wish

Sometimes I look up at the stars at night,

wishing that you were holding me tight.

I hold back the tears before they slide down my cheek,

prying to God to keep me strong not weak.

I make a wish in the deepness of my heart,

that soon we'll be together, not so far apart.

I think of all the good times we have shared,

I want you to know that I'll always care.

I want you to hold me and never let me go,

I miss you and love you, just thought I'd let you know

p/s I came across diz poem..its nice n meaningful =)

A Thousand Apologies

Sorry that I love you, sorry that i care

Sorry that we've taken for granted the love that we share

Sorry for the heartache, sorry for the pain

Sorry for what you gave if I didn't give back the same

Sorry for the waiting, sorry to waste your time

Sorry if I'm not worth it, you don't have to be mine

Sorry for mistaking something that I thought was true

Sorry if you don't understand why I do what I do

Sorry for my feelings if they're not enough

Sorry if we can't work through all this stuff

Sorry if you can't fit me into your life

Sorry if all I do is cause us to fight

Sorry if I'm cramping your style or getting in your way

Sorry if i don't say the things you want me to say

Sorry if I don't meausure up to what you want me to be

Sorry if I can't be enough to make you just want me

Sorry for apologizing but I don't know what to do

Sorry if my only dreams consist of me and you

p/s I dedicate diz poem to someone important in my life. Someone who owez wit me through thick n thin. M waiting for ya~~

Best Frenz Forever

As the years pass,

and we grow apart,

I want you to know,

that you're in my heart.

You helped me through problems,

through things good and bad.

You helped me keep smiling,

when I was sad.

You helped me with guys,

you made me stay strong.

How will I live,

when you are gone?

And where the years take us,

no place is too far,

we will think of each other,

wherever we are.

You're a wonderful person,

with a good heart to lend,

and I wnat you to know,

you're a really good friend.

p/s I dedicate diz poem to someone who really important in my life =)

bored

i misz those days. We laught together. We fight together. We back together. Te Quiero Mucho~~

Hmmmm~~

Tonite I cant sleep again. Dunno y. M I too full or too hungry.hehehe. Juz now I read someone blog. Its funny. I see how the blog owner grow up. Teenager life. Interesting. I juz cant wait for my time. I wanna learnt sth new. I wanna feel sth new. It doesnt meant m bored wit my life now but I start to appreciate wat happen to me even though it is sad, fun, upset, angry, or watever feeling it is. I start to realise dat although my life is miserable or it doesnt turn the way I plan, it creates memory. Memory dat I cant delete unless I've loss my memory. Ppl keep saying dat world is cruel, life is sucks or wat ever but as for me, its really meaningful. Everythng hppn in our life have reason. I prefer to look wat I learnt from it rather than keep complaining y it happns to me.

This few days I feel m being love. Dunno wat is it supposed to meant but I like it. I thnk around 4 month I didnt receive any sweet2 gudnite wish. I thnk around 9 month I didnt really care about someone. It was since...nvm. At first I feel awkward when someone dat I dont really close wit send me sweet2 sms, sweet2 words , talk kindly wit me.hehehe. Its sound crazy but I like it. I feel comfortable with it. I also feel awkward when I suddnly really care about others. Dunno wat hppnd. Wat m saying here is not only for only one particular person. Its for ol. I really appreciate it.

I thnk I start to move on wit my life. I start to learnt how to make the history be a memory. Memory is memory. Honestly, its quite tough. Its juz a matter of time.

p/s : M not waiting for u. M not hoping dat u'll come back to me. But if one day u come back, u should learnt how to appreciate me and u've to tackle me back. For sure, it is not as easy as b4 bcoz, once hurt, the scar remain forever.

Epi Bday Rum8

Sori rum8 4 everythng. I lied to u. I did it purposely cz if not u'll not come. Btw thx to Sopha cz being the reason for Ada to come...hehehe..nice trick ah?? As her rum8 I try my best to bring everyone important in her life. EE gang, ex- EE gang, Cambodian fam, n Imran. However m quite disappointed cz the one I hope to make her bday more meaningful doesn't help me. M quite sad actually. I juz can't stay cool when she said she feel upset bcz he didn't wish her epi bday. OMG. I dunno how to put it in words. But I juz can't look into her eyes. I feel sori for her. She keep pretend dat she's ok. Yea dats my rum8. She is a gud pretender. Perhaps m too emotional. So, watever wit dat guy. I juz feel annoyed talking about him.

We go back to our party. It is superb. I like the cake. It is a chocolate cake wit white cream. Really nice. Its look like wedding cake. hehehehe. Ermm..btw we bought her a big, short, fat teddy bear. I thnk it is half of her height. With a big tummy and big nose. Soooo cute like me...hehehe.. She look sweet sleep with it. She alr give name to the teddy bear. She call it as 'baby'.

Here, I would like to thx to ol my frenz who help me make her bday memorable. Thx to Sopha, Farah, Sarah, Istor, Azfar, Ayien,Nizam, Imran, Piseth, Rainseigh, Nan, Udom, JJ, Lio,Pitc, and my sweetheart, Davuth. Thank you sooo much coz helping me.

For my rum8, no matter wat, u r still older than me n make sure u get married first b4 me. So, u can tell ur children about us. About our family here. About our story here. Juz remmber diz. Let him be in one part of ur brain called 'memory'. Wat u've to do now is be strong, look forward and move on.

Shock

Dunno y I cant sleep tonite. Everyone seems down. My frenz here, my old frenz, my sister here n me myself. I called my primary skul frenz juz now. He sound sad. He try to deny dat he has a problem. I know he has a problem. The way he talk, his voice. Though I cant see his eyes but I know he really2 sad. Finally he tell me wat happnd. M really sorry for him. I understand how he feels. Perhaps we r in the same bots. Everyone are very sensitive nowadays including me of course.

Now its raining. Supposedly it will be very nice to sleep but I juz cant. Perhaps m shock or cant except the fact. My hand still shacking now. Actually juz now I open someone fs. Someone dat really important in my life. Suddenly my tears..... I saw his pic wit a gurlz. Dat gurlz look nice. Really2 diff compared to me.

I feel sad not bcz I cant accept dat he is taking pic wit her. I feel sad bcz she looks like someone dat I wanna b. Honestly, I wanna b a polite gurlz, gentle, being respect, lovable, 'sopan', pretty n etc. But dats not me. Yea I look like so but the truth is m not. M a harsh gurlz. For those who alr knew me they will understand. I've try my best. I dunno how to put it in words,but deep inside me I wanna b someone else. To be frank I wanna be someone dat can fulfill his requirement. I do feel sad coz I cant be like dat. Sometimes I feel jelez with gurlz who r pretty, gentle, sopan, n baik.

I pray, the one who will be my soul mate will accept me as who i'm. He will be my complement. He nvr complaint about my weaknesses but he helps to cover them. So do I. I pray, I can use my strength to cover his weaknesses. Sweetheart I really need you now.

Wat a Day

How to explain? Feeling happy n bad at the same time. Alhamdullilah I think everything is getting better. I got some new frenz tonite. Yea, as usual they are people that I can call as 'Kenalan'. Really hope they will turn to someone that I can call as ' Kawan ' . Juz now I called my mom. She said dat she had a dream. In dat dream m telling her m going overseas. She juz said, wait for ur dad, let him make his decision. Obviously, I dunno wat is it suppose to meant. Juz pray it is a sign for smthng good. Or perhaps may be a sign dat m going to leave diz world?? I dunno..

Actually m quite frustrated today. Someone promise to buy me a combo of chocolate. But unfortunately I cant get it by today. Have to wait till next week. I think m asking tooooo much from him. Senpai, m really sorry. I think I dont want the chocolate anymore. Juz pay me. Senpai is such a good senior I've. I do meant it. Really sorry. Senpai, plz dont regrt to have a junior like me. hehhehe =)

So sleepy n tired. I had a CIS gathering juz now. Though it is a tiring dinner but I think its quite fun to work wit ppl dat I dont really know and close with. I talk with someone dat I never talk to in class. Wat a day is today? Thank You Allah bcz give me an opportunity to learnt to smile again.

Sad

Diz few days, y do I feel sad. No matter how hard I try to stop my tears, they will come fastly. I misz my family. My mom..my dad and my old frenz. Misz them ol damn much. I feel lonely. I dunno y do I keep crying n crying n crying. Its hard for me. I pretend dat m Ok but my inner part said dat m not Ok. I wish I meet someone who can comfort me, protect me, n give me strength as I wish. I've try my best to be strong but its kill me inside. I do have my rum8, Sopha and my sweetheart here. But I don't wanna burden them anymore. I feel like m taking their time. M burdening them. The truth is, I wish someone beside me who can wipe my tears when m crying, a shoulder dat I can lay at when I feel tired, a hand dat can hug me comfortably when m crying, n eyes dat can give me support when I fall. I do really need diz now. I know dat Allah is owez with me. Angel also with me. I juz pray dat Allah will give me strength to move on n let me bounce back. I juz feel tired of crying. However I cant lie dat crying make me feel better. I juz hope dat, everythng is getting better.

I wish someone can bring back my brightest smile coz I do feel i wanna smile back someday....

Sem Januari 2009

Waaaa~~~ lamenye aq x update blog niee....aq ingat nak cancel account..tp..xjdlah...

Sem Januari 09 nie sem yg berat utk aq....x taulah nape..aq x phm ape yg aq blaja...aq mcm dpt rase yg sem nie aq akan jatoh...Ya Allah..minx2 lah x...seram aq...

Sem nie berjalan mcm biase...sem nie aq byk bercampor dgn org..nak compare dgn sem lepas, sem nie lg byk aq jumpe org. Aq campor dgn abg2 n akak2 senior,dgn junior n kwn2. Sem nie mmg seronok. Walaupun ade kenangan pahit n menyakit aty..tp bile d pk kan balek kelaka sgt. hehehehehe...

Ape lg?? Ermm~~ sem nie aq blaja byk bende...bley ke aq kate aq dah semakin matang??? Alhamdulillah aq diberi byk tangggungjawab..dr tanggungjawab2 nielah aq semakin matang. Aq blaja care nak control org, care nak mengarahkan org, care nak bg arahan, byk lglah. Overall, aq maseh lom mantap untk jd ketue...

Aritu aq ade drama. Dlm group drama aq ade 7 org. Dlm group tu 3 bdk international n 4 org bdk local. Aq ketue. Hanye Allah je yg tau mcm mane keadaan aq..Tp ape yg best, dyeowg sume commit dlm group. we hv fun toghtr. And group kiteowg dpt markah paling tinggi. hehehehehehe...alhadulillah sronok sgt...name group aq "Madagascar Corperation".

Pastu sem nie aq ade 2 project. Satu project economics satu lg project business. Mase wat project nie..hidup aq kacau bilau..sampai aq kene mara dgn hubby aq..mane xnye...waktu mkn waktu blaja sume b'terabor.waktu tdo xyah ckplah, plng awl tdo kul 3 pg..Ya Allah seksenye mase tu..Tp alhamdulilah sumenye under control..

Skarang nie aq nak prepare utk final exam pada 25hb mei nie...huhuhuhuhu...chaiyok2!! gudluck tu ol techno July 08 student, although ppl look down at us, juz beleive dat we will make more money and have a bright future compare to them...AJA AJA FIGHTING!!!