Miracle

Hai all,

For this entry I'll write about what I feel and what happened. Honestly, I feel amaze and proud with someone who really go for her dreams. Of course, people may say "to gain some, we have to loose some". I believe deep inside her heart she felt lonely, sad but her spirit to go after her dreams really make her strong. To her, I pray for your success. I believe you'll achieve your dreams. I will always support you and be there for you...xoxo =D

As I had completed my "body building" program, now I'm helping my dad with his extra class for standard 6 students from his school. Actually, I met them 2 years ago but they still remember me till today. I feel touched by those kids. They came from poor – average family income. Some of them having more than 5 siblings. I would say, they have less exposure compared to kids from town. As ice breaking session I asked them 5 questions:

1.    What is your name?

2.    Why do you want to get 5A?

3.    Where do you want to go after primary school?

4.    What is your ambition?

5.    Parents occupation

What I can conclude from my session with them today is they have spirit, courage and dreams but they need help to boost up their abilities. It’s not that they can’t solve the mathematics questions but they are bit slow. It’s not that they don’t have future in their mind but they are still kids who are learning about life. Insya Allah, I will try my best to help, guide and motivate them. I don’t mind if people may assume, I'm doing this for the sake of my popularity or want to show off. My intention is to help students from kampung to achieve their dreams. Pray for them.

Lastly, I want to share about a Malay movie entitle “Istanbul Aku Datang” (Istanbul Here I come). Even though the story doesn't really suit with malay culture but I love the story line. How a girl flies all the way from Malaysia to Istanbul to meet her boyfriend with hope he will propose her. Facing lots of difficulties. She is accused as unfaithful by her boyfriend which in fact her boyfriend is having fair with another girl. He said he was lonely and has no one to talk to. It sounds familiar to me though =D. The girl is shown as someone who is independent, soft but not weak.

I think I better stop now cause tomorrow I have to wake up fresh. Wish me luck ^_^

p/s: I will know what I should when I follow what my heart say. Its called instinct.

The road taken

Dear all,

This few days, I feel disturbed with some sort of demotivated things. This entry will be a very long entry.

Since primary school, I feel like I was surrounded with pretty girls excluded me. Being a boyish kid make me feel more comfortable to have boys as friends. Nevertheless, it does affect my personality back then. I am talkative, playful, rough, and sometimes bit rude. However, deep in my heart, I do feel like I wanna be like those pretty girls. As I skip from standard 3 to standard 5, hence I have 2 group of friends: those who are same age as me and those who are same batch as me. So, during primary school I am popular not because I am good in my study or cause I am pretty but because I always fight with guys and they really love to tease me.

                                                     Standard six ( some of my classmate )

                                                                     after 10 years

Then I continued my life as a high school student. I decided to change my personality. I became more passive, less friends, and just follow with the flow. Out of nowhere I became more sensitive, secretive, and defensive. I build up wall so people wont see the real me. At first I blame the environment. As I grow older, I realise that, I should never change how I am even though the environment is not as the same as during primary school. My high school life is dull. I just study for the sake of results. Obviously, I am not top scorer in my class. Never ever  reach top 5 in class and rarely get attention from my teachers. However, everything changed when I was in Form 4 and Form 5. There are few situations that challenge me:

1. I was applying for boarding school  and the teacher said straight to my face " with ur result, never have dream to be in boarding school ". By that time, my PMR result is 7A 2B
2. I asked my friend who are top scorer in my class to teach me then he said " U asked me this kind of question?" and including those who just ignore my questions
3. I asked my friends, how they got an interview with petronas through their SPM trial result and they said " its nothing to do with you"

Included those I didn't list here, I decided that I will make them amaze with me one day. I still remember one of my teacher challenge me and say " how come u wanna break district record even u cant even break school record?" During my high school life, I start to learnt on how people compete and step on others to be on top. After my bounced period, my score getting better. However, I lost my friend. She felt jealous cause guys start to be close with me. It was funny though. We continue our life but I can feel her eagerness to fight. Well, it is a good competition.

Alhamdullilah. When SPM result out, I was announced as top 10 best student in my school. It was unexpected. Besides I am mentally abuse by friends and teachers, I am emotionally disturbed with some sort of personal matters. I met my teachers and said " I didnt break district or school records but I prove that, I'm not that bad". I personally received my SPM result from teacher who said my result is not good enough to be in boarding school. The best part is, my best friend hug me and said " za, congratulations. I try to fight with u but seems like I lost and I am sorry".

                                   the best picture I have during high school (Form 5)

Alhamdullilah. Next, I continued my life as UTP student. I still remember when I told my high school friends that I am UTP student. They were shocked. Obviously, I look like someone who doesn't deserve to even pass the interview. In UTP, I develop totally a different me. I force myself to talk with strangers, be active and talkative. I guess, I don't have to repeat what I had gone through in UTP as most of my blog entries are about my life in UTP. One thing that I realize, most of my friends in UTP are either top scorer or those with unique background and personality. Obviously I am not the first option. hehehe..

                                                                     foundation

                                                      convocation bachelor (Hons) ICT

So, what are those demotivated things? The feeling of being tease, look down at and ugly. Sometimes people just say something for the sake of joking. Nevertheless, if too much of something, you may be annoyed. This entry is not to be proud of myself but to share my journey of life before I receive my scroll. I may look arrogant ( or maybe I am ) but if they know what I had gone through since I am kid, perhaps they will re-consider to classify me as arrogant. 

Lastly, everyone deserve to be successful. What you have is doesn't matter, how you use does. Always keep reminding yourself, my ambition is to be_______ in this world and want to be one of companions of the garden (ahli syurga) in hereafter. 

p/s: never give up

Home

Dear all,

It's been one and half week for me to be home. I always wonder why people feel so excited and happy to be home. Someone told me that, our parents are human being. They do make mistake. As a child, we should and have to respect them no matter how they treat us. Even though sometimes we feel offended with what they said or do, we can't do anything. The Almighty, I pray, I'll be given a strength to be patience and strong to be a good daughter. It's where my Jannah is.

p/s: La Tahzan

Self - Control

Dear All,

Sometimes in our life, we may get pissed off, annoyed, offended or touched by someone action, words or attitudes. However, we cannot control how people should react on us but we can control on our reaction. It is either mad, sad, angry or you can decide to act like you don't care about it. It is understandable when you put on your act skills to make everything look fine. How long will it last? One day? One year or one hour? In a relationship either couples, family, friends or undefined relationship should have elements of transparency. How transparent you are to your partner. In some cases, we rather be silence than telling the truth because it may leads to argument. The feeling of sharing everything happened to you with your partner may die when you are about to tell something but your partner seems not interested. It may getting worst when you forgot to tell your partner but you are quite happy to tell it to someone else. Does it consider as cheating behind his or her back? Rather than share it with your partner, you seems to keep it and let it go because you feel like your stories is not worth for his or her time. As a conclusion, never ever allow people to playful with your feelings and emotion. You should know how to handle when someone giving you shits. Shit happen when s saying hi to t. LoL. 

p/s: fairy tales are lies but true love =D

=I

Dear all,

I have something that bothering me. It's not easy to be humble while arrogant...to be nice while rude...to be don't care while care and to be wanted while not. It's quite hard when people started to judge on how we act. Sometimes, our confident may looks like we are arrogant. Our thoughts may sounds like nag. Our suggestions may looks like orders. Our curiosity sounds like investigation. Our courage makes us look strong. Our disappointment make us look weak. Our emotion make us feel crazy. Our jealous make us look like over-protective.  Our expectations make people feel stress. 

p/s: B+

I hate my hari raya this year

My "Happy" Hari Raya

Dear all,

I am sorry to bother you with my emo post but I just feel like write it here. So, as we know, tomorrow is Hari Raya and I had lots of things to share with you.

Firstly, I feel uncomfortable about what happened yesterday. I am ashamed. Nothing hurt me more when someone saying that, should consider and think about me. But I should take that blame. Plus it is my fault. For those who know me quite well, they may expect how my reaction will be. Even it is simple but when something happen and touch my heart, I will remember every single details even the environment, moment, face, text and voice. So, that happened to me today. Anything I did, I keep remembering the words (text) and what I did yesterday. I wish I could cry and tell someone about it.

Secondly, I felt offended with my aunt. It may looks simple but it is offensive for me. I love ayam masak merah so much. But she told my cousin that, she made it especially for her while I am beside her (my cousin). Then when it is almost time for breakfast, she asked me " Do we have coffee?" and I said "No. Do you want?". She said never mind. Then suddenly she told my other aunt, if we have coffee should be better. Of course I can heard it. So, I went to kitchen and make jug of coffee while others break fast. All night I just keep quite cause feel quite sad actually.

Thirdly, I feel mad cause my aunt judging my cousin's son while actually both my aunts not even do it to their son and grandchildren. Then I end up, get out of the house and sit outside. Included my cousin who came like a guest and I have to prepare the food for them. I am not asking them to help me but to be honest, since I was kid, the only people who will be busy are me, my sister, my relative, and my other cousin. How do you feel when you have to prepare the food for your own aunt and uncle while your cousins are there and sit?

Fourthly, tomorrow morning my mom has to go for morning shift. I know I have to understand it but since Form 4, I never have my mom for 1st day of Hari Raya while others celebrating and go to mosque with their mother. I feel it is not fair for me. Of course I am sad about it. I wanna take family photo for 1st day of Hari Raya and go to relative house together. Unfortunately, I can't.

This year, I am not happy with my Hari Raya. I wish I can go back to campus as soon as possible. Seriously, I don't feel good.

p/s: Happy Hari Raya everyone =D